MILB: "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money in my Hand" By Primitive Radio Gods

You know, it's not often that you get a title like that one above.  I'm going to shorten it to "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth" for the rest of the blog post, OK?

In the summer of 1996, I had decided to stay in Washington, DC to be with my girlfriend instead of going back to Florida and working.  I'd just finished the worst semester of my university career, and was working 2 jobs in DC to help pay the rent for a place I lived on 25th Street, NW in Washington with my Fraternity brother Micky.  Then, it went all kinds of weird.

Less than a week after moving into my new place and starting work at the Orioles Baseball Store on Farragut Square and at GW's Police Department, my girlfriend dumped me.  She said, and I quote, "You're not who I thought you were."  Always a head scratcher that one, right?  Who did you think I was exactly?  (Actually, I'm cool with what happened.  I met the woman of my dreams and have two lovely children with her, so no looking back.)

I digress, though.  Over that summer, and the depression that came with it, I listened to music to help me cope.  It's a reoccurring thing in my life: whenever I feel down I turn to music to make me feel better.  Usually listening to music that is sad when I'm sad for some reason cheers me up.  So it was that I listened to a lot of August and Everything After by Counting Crows, and then this song came out.

"Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth" was from an Alt-Rock band called Primitive Radio Gods.  I'd never heard of them before, but I liked the song.  It helped that they sampled BB King, who I do love quite a bit.  The sample, from BB's "How Blue Can You Get" was brilliant, and added a touch of melancholy to the hip-hop beat playing underneath.

 I been downhearted baby/I been downhearted baby/EEVVVER since the day we met/EEVVVER since the day we met.

That's a slice of fried gold right there for someone getting over a breakup.  You might as well called the song, "I been dumped."

Recently I started listening to the song again, and really started to listen to the lyrics.  This song is fantastic lyrically.

We sit outside and argue all night long/ about a god we've never seen/but never fails to side with me. 

Wow, that's powerful, and something that gets you thinking.

A life is time, they teach us growing up/ the seconds ticking killed us all/a million years before the fall/ you ride the waves and don't ask where they go/ you swim like lions through the crest/ and bathe yourself on zebra's flesh.

This is deep stuff, and it's in a song that was featured in the movie "The Cable Guy."  How did that happen?!?  And why isn't this song recognized for how good it is?  I mean, Primitive Radio Gods didn't make a cent off the record, as they probably had to pay for the use of the BB King sample.  Still, something this good should be heard more often than it is now.  I know it was released 17 years ago, but it's still a great song.  It should be brought back out so that lovelorn teenagers everywhere have something good to be moody to, not Justin Bieber singing, "Baby".

Don't lose this song people.  Find it on youtube, or buy it. You'll thank me, and it may take you back to 1996.  What were you doing back then?  Do you remember this song?  What does it mean to you?  If you've never heard it: Find it now.  Go on, you'll thank me later.

Reason 6,897 why I still hate those people who said my daughter wasn't good enough for their school.

Recently my daughter, Lovely Little Girl, was sitting at the kitchen table coloring when I walked into the room.  My wife handed me a new book LLG had brought from school.  With a sly smile, she asked me to have LLG read it to me.

Sure enough, my just turned 6 year old read the entire book to me.  It wasn't very difficult, and it had pictures, but only a few times did she stumble over the words.  I was amazed at how fast she had started picking this up!  I thought, maybe they've read it a few times at school and she'd memorized it.  (She has an amazing memory.  Try telling her that we'll get ice cream the next time we go to the mall, and see if you get out of that mall without getting ice cream.  Even if it's two months later.)

Well I just happened to email her teacher about something, and asked her the question straight up:  Was she actually reading, or had she just memorized it from all the times she had heard it being read.  Her teacher wrote back almost immediately to say that they do read it once together, but that's it.  Her teacher (whom we love!) told me that she even took LLG to other teachers for her to read to them.  (Either as bragging, or to show them that they shouldn't be afraid of children on the Autism Spectrum.  If you give them a chance, they can do just about everything a neurotypical child can do.)

So my little girl is in fact reading.  She's even picking up visual cues from the pictures in the book for words she might not get right away, which is great!  I'm very proud of her, as this will open many doors for her, and let her little imagination soar.  (She'll end up like her mummy on this one I think, a bit dreamy with an active imagination and a hunger for books.  G-d help me when she discovers Jane Eyre.)

Basically, this is me once again calling those people who rejected her idiots.  The teacher who told us that we needed to lower our expectations of our daughter: Go pound some sand, lady.  The school that had her for 2 days and then said she wouldn't work and that an Autism only school would be best for her?  Yeah, you guys can go jump in a lake.  The school that made us pay for tests only to say no, even though they admitted the tests weren't going to be usable?  [redacted].  (And please forgive that last one. Even though I didn't really write it, I meant it and that's really bad of me.  However, in my defense, I really loathe those people.)

Also, last night Lovely English Lass had both of my children at their swimming lessons.  They waited for the lesson to begin, and while doing so a little neurotypical girl broke a bottle of perfume.  While they sat quietly and patiently waiting for the class to begin, this child immediately had a huge meltdown.  Crying an screaming and hitting out at her parents.  After she left, they had to cancel the class due to lightening, and both of my kids, who supposedly have problems with transitions, got up and walked to the car without a peep.  Amazing really!

Sometimes you have to give a child a chance.  I'm never going to forgive or forget those that never gave my child that chance and immediately ruled her out because they thought she couldn't handle it.  All it has done is show them to be small-minded people that shouldn't be educating children in the first place.

The Game begins again...

Well, here we go again....

I am now roughly half-way through my term here in Johannesburg.  (Saturday, February 2 we will have been here for 18 months.)  You know what that means, right?  Yep, time to start looking for a new job.

Technically bidding doesn't start until around August, but I'm a bit different.  You see, Lovely Little Girl was given a Class 2 clearance which means there are some places in the world where she can't live due to them not being able to meet her needs.

Let me explain.  Wait, that will take too long.  Let me summarize.  MED gives out clearances for serving overseas.  Class 1 means you can serve anywhere.  Class 2 means there are some restrictions.  Class 5 means you can't serve outside of the US.

Anyways, due to my daughter's clearance, I have to do a bit more homework than the usual Foreign Service Officer.  While people with kids usually research schools, I have to find a school that will take her, make sure she has her therapies available, and that her needs are met before I can even CONSIDER bidding on that job.  Hence me starting earlier than most to see if I can get all of the stars to align so I can serve there.

There are options where I can serve in a place without my wife and kids (like Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Algeria, etc.).  While I think those people serving unaccompanied tours are brave and deserve the highest respect, I don't think I want to do it.  One of the reasons is because one of my daughter's doctors told me that it might irretrievably harm my relationship with her.  While my career is important, it ain't that important.

Anyways, we'll be in Washington, DC in early March so my kids can have some tests done on them.  (Reevaluation is what it's called.)  While there, I have a few days when I can run into Main State (Foggy Bottom or the Actual State Department if you will) and talk to people about jobs coming open next summer.  Someone I asked for a meeting with reminded me that it is VERY early days to be talking about jobs.  But it's the only chance I have, and as I explained to him, I need to start early because of my daughter.

Oh, just to let everyone know, I won't be talking about where we're bidding.  Every time I tell someone we have a good chance to go somewhere, it never happens.  So, I'm going to keep it between me and Lovely English Lass, and if I didn't tell her she'd get angry with me.

MILB - "Two Step" by Dave Matthews Band

Here's the top 10 list of the greatest concerts I've ever been:

10) Linkin Park (opening act: Lost Prophets) - Cardiff, Wales.  Great time, great concert, and Lost Prophets were from Wales, so very cool opener.
9) Huey Lewis and the News (opening act: Robert Cray Band) - Daytona Beach, FL.  Don't laugh, this was an AWESOME concert.
8) Rob Zombie (Opening act: Lacuna Coil) - 9:30 Club. Great time with my friend Justin (who bought the tickets) and the day I found out I was going to be a father.
7) Blues Traveller, Ziggy Marley, Black Crowes - Nissan Pavilion, VA - My sophomore year at University, and just an amazing time, including my number 2 favorite ever concert experience: The Black Crowes singing "She Talks to Angels" with a single light shining down on the lead singer.  Just awesome.
6) Dave Matthews Band (Opening Act: Bella Fleck and the Flecktones) - Nissan  Pavillion, VA - Amazing concert with friends, and the number 3 and 5 favorite concert experiences (which I'll get to shortly) with "Two Step" and "Ants Marching".
5) Chris Cornell (Red Rock Festival) - Old Steel Refinery, Luxembourg - Amazing set and he did a LOT of Soundgarden tunes.  Plus it was in an ACTUAL old steel refinery.  The concert hall used to be where they melted the steel.
4) Placebo (Can't remember opening act) - Carling Live, Hammersmith, London. - Just amazing, with my buddy Charlie.
3) REM (Opening Act: Buffalo Tom) - Nissan Pavilion, VA - Amazing time.  My friends and I bought grass seats, but since it had undersold, they gave us actual seats up close.  Awesome set, and very cool.  (This was the Monster tour, so it was the full band.)
2) The White Stripes (Opening Act: Blanche) - Alexandra Palace, London. - I've written about this before.  It was awesome, and I'd give anything to see that show again.
1) Blur (no opener, Reading Festival) - Reading, UK. - The Number 1 best concert experinece I've ever had with "song 2" causing the ground to shake.

Honorable Mention: U2 - RFK Stadium.  I bounced for the gig, but got to see the show for free and they paid me as well.

No reason why I wrote that up there.  It's my blog and I'll do what I want.  But, look at Number 6.  Two of my top 5 greatest concert moments happened in number 6.  Wild, I know.  The "Ants Marching" part was because Dave was joined by Bella Fleck on the Banjo, and they had so much fun with the song that Dave turned his back on the audience and jammed for a good 5 minutes like no one else was there.  Great time.

However, "Two Step" is my number 3 greatest experience at a concert.  Let me start off by saying I am in no way a huge Dave Matthews Band fan.  I do have a few of his albums, and like his music, but I've only seen him once.  I think my friend Em might have seen him at least 50 times by now.  I've found that Dave Matthews fans are a lot like Dead fans: they'll watch them anywhere.  (Phish fans are the most like Dead fans though.  To be fair, most of the Dead fans I know are pretty cool people that are intelligent, and the die-hard Phish fans I know can be stumped by asking: "What were we just talking about?"  It's a joke people!)

Anyways, "Two Step" is from the album Crash which came after their incredibly successful album Under the Table and Dreaming.  It was never a big hit on radio, and to be honest, I probably only heard it a few times before the above mentioned concert.  It was a good song, but it never really stuck out, like "So Much to Say" or even "Crash."  Moved nicely, with a good bassline, nice violin work, and a good sax part.

Then, I saw it in concert.  I went with my friends from University, and if I remember correctly drove down with my friend Sheandra.  We were having a great time, and as the sun set and the lights came on, Dave started this song.

It was amazing.  I knew most songs are better live than on record (but not all), but I couldn't believe how much better this sounded in person.  The full effect was stunning.  The band, the lights, the people cheering, everything just clicked at that one point and time. The song moved with a fluidity that should have been there on the album, and is there now when I listen to it.  Dave's semi-falsetto was right on, the sax wasn't too loud or too soft, and the violin part melded perfectly.  (And before you ask, no I wasn't high.)

It points out that sometimes a single musical experience can forever change the way you listen to a song.  The music is the same on my iPod as on the CD, but when I listen to it, I hear the music from that night.  It's still as clear to me today as it was 15 years ago.  (Man was that a long time ago.)

I'm still not a DMB superfan, but they will always have a warm spot in my heart for "Two Step."  Give it a listen.  (This one is pretty awesome.)  You may not hear what I heard that day, but it's still a very good song.

Because I'd want someone to do the same for me.

A few weeks ago, I was left in charge of the Consulate as the CG was out of the country.  By coincidence, I was also the duty officer for the Consulate that week as well.  (For those of you reading that don't know what that means, let me explain.  After hours, all diplomatic missions worldwide have a duty officer that handles emergency calls from Americans oversees that have a problem that needs to be attended to immediately.  Or immediately in their eyes.  Usually it's a lost passport, someone in jail, or the worst: someone has died.)  Usually nothing happens that isn't easy to take care of or that can wait until the morning and we get no issues.  Many times the duty book has you signing in and signing out with no problems.  Sadly, this wasn't going to happen to me.

The Sunday of my duty and being the CG, I received a call on my regular work cell phone at 4 am.  If it had been the other phone, I would have thought an American had been arrested, or that someone had been robbed.  However, it was my regular work cell phone.  Nothing good can come of that phone ringing at 4 am.  Sure enough, it was the Regional Security Officer calling to inform me that one of my US employees had died.  

It's a shock when you get that phone call for an American Citizen overseas, but even more so when you know the person well and consider them a friend. So many things run through your head, and you can't seem to think straight.  However, there are things that you must do as a Duty Officer when an official American dies at post.  I went to the duty manual to see what needed to be done.  Number 1 was call the Management Officer.  Number 2 was call the CG.  Done, since I was all three this week.  You have to notify Washington, the Ambassador or Charge depending on who is there, and then comes the discussion of how to tell your employees at the Consulate about what happened.

I hope to never have to go through this again.  It's hard enough trying to be a Management Officer in the Foreign Service, but to then stand up in front of everyone and tell them that their friend and collegue is gone was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  Since I cry at lots of stuff, this wasn't happening without tears.

We've worked very hard to get him back home to his family.  He will be soon, which will be of great comfort to them.  Yesterday we had a Memorial service, put together beautifully by Lovely English Lass, for him at the Consulate.  Some people spoke about him, some sang, and there were many laughs and tears.  We filmed it for his family so they could know how much he was loved here in this community and so his kids could look back later in life to know the kind of man their father was.

We did all of this out of respect for him and his family, but also because if, G-d forbid, something like this happened to me, I'd want someone doing the same as well for my family.  It's my job, but it's also something more than that.  It's compassion.  While I hope to never do this again, I know that if I have to I will put just as much effort into it.  

My Inner Lester Bangs: "Shake Your Rump" by The Beastie Boys

In 1989, The Beastie Boys released Paul's Boutique.  It was the follow up from their first album, License to Ill, which introduced the world to what was termed "Frat Rap."  It made them huge stars, allowed them to tour with Run DMC and Madonna, and basically moved Rap more into the mainstream.  But things weren't going right.  They split with their producer, Rick Rubin, and left Def Jam records to sign with Capital and moved out to LA for a bit.  While there they decided to record an album with The Dust Brothers, a producing duo who basically were compiling beats to make their first record.  The Beastie Boys convinced them to use the beats for Paul's Boutique.  The result was a masterpiece of samples and layering of sound that is extremely complex.

This album could not be done today. You see, there was a lawsuit filed in 1991, Grand Upright Music, Ltd.  v. Warner Bros. Records Inc.  Basically, Biz Markie was sued by Gilbert O'Sullivan (perhaps the whitest man ever sampled in a rap album) for use of a sample of the song, "Alone Again (Naturally)" for his song "Alone Again".  The defense actually argued that the case should be thrown out because illegal sampling was so rampant and everyone was doing it.  (That line never worked with my mother, so I'm pretty sure it wasn't going to fly in a court of law.)

Back to the Beastie Boys.  They sampled everyone, including the untouchable Beatles.  (On one of their songs, "The Sounds of Science," they actually sampled FIVE Beatles songs.  ("Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band", "When I'm 64", "Sgt. Pepper's (reprise)", "Back in the USSR", and "The End".)  The Beatles apparently filed preliminary legal papers about this, leading to a great quote from Mike D: "What's cooler than being sued by The Beatles?"

I think "Shake Your Rump" is the best song off the album.  (Followed by "B-Boy Bouillabaisse" and "Hey Ladies" solely for the reference to Sodaharu Oh, the Japanese Baseball Legend.)  It has great samples, and the bass line works brilliantly.  Plus the lyrics are fantastic.  The Brady Bunch reference always makes me laugh, as does Mike D saying his real name is Clarence.  (Reminiscent of Walt Frazier going by Clyde.)  The song moves quickly, with some breaks, but is an assault on your ears as you try to figure out what the samples are, and how they all fit together.  Chuck D even said that the dirty secret in Hip Hop back then was that the Beastie Boys had the best beats.  That's some high praise, considering he was working with The Bomb Squad, one of the best in the business.

You might like this song, you might not.  Paul's Boutique was considered a flop when it first came out.  No one was ready for it.  Almost 25 years later, though, it still sounds great.  Maybe we just had to catch up to the sound.  Like the song says, "It's the joint!"

Watching TV and a reminder of the past

Here in South Africa, they do have Satellite TV.  (DSTV is the main provider.  Not great, but I get to watch my Tottenham play, and they sometimes have good movies on as well.)

One of the things they do have is the UK version of Food Network.  So I on occasion get to watch "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives."  I used to watch it in the States, and we've even been to a few places that have been on the show.  Good stuff, even if Guy is a bit over the top.  But that's his persona and he's making bank, so why should I care?  (Except for his incredibly thin skin over his restaurant in Times Square, which if you don't know, look up the NY Times review and the reaction to it.)

You see, one of the reasons I watch this show is because it makes me think of my paternal grandfather.  John Parker, whom I'm named after, did many things in his life, but what I always remember is he and my grandmother owning restaurants.  Actually before they owned a restaurant, they owned a Stuckeys in Tonkawa, Oklahoma.  Pecan Logs for everyone!  (And if you don't get that joke, look it up.  For my non-US readers, Stuckeys was the rest-area of choice for many Americans on the highways.  Almost always paired with a Dairy Queen, and Pecan Logs were one of their most famous offerings.)  My grandfather would have been perfect for that show.  Grandma was, and still is, quite reserved when it comes to publicity, but not my Grandpa.  He was always out front talking to people, welcoming them to his restaurant, and making sure people were taken care of immediately.

He was also famous for his tall tales, which may mean the story I'm about to tell isn't true.  But it sounds true, so I'm going to use it anyway.  One day my Grandpa brought out the plates for a table, and he said he was so proud of how one of the meals looked that he brought a camera with him to take a picture of it before they ate.  That's the kind of guy he was.  To know Johnny and Alta Parker was to know good food and be entertained.

Guy would have loved my Grandpa's greasy cheese-burger (my mother's favorite) and everyone everywhere loved my Grandma's cinnamon rolls.  (So much so that in one of the towns where they owned a restaurant a service station down the road would buy her rolls and sell them at the station.  I'm talking good!)

Yes, Grandpa would have been a star if he'd been operating restaurants today.  Food Network would have given him his own show.  It would have been 30 minutes long and he only would have cooked two things because he would have told so many stories, but people would have loved him.

Grandma is still with us ("feisty" is how my father still describes her) but Grandpa has been gone for 12 years now.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about him.  So I watch this show and think about what could have been.

My Inner Lester Bangs: "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock

Sometimes you just got to go old school, you know?

25 years ago this year, Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock released one of the great party jams of all time.  You play the first part of the song, with the low-voice track, "Right about Now, you are listening to the sounds of MC Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock!!!" and everyone knows exactly what comes next.  "YEAH! WOO! YEAH! WOO!"

With samples from Lynn Collins 1972 hit, "Think about it" (including the aforementioned "YEAH! WOO!" and the chorus "It takes two to make a things go right/It takes t wo to make it out of sight") the song moves forward in an easy rap that flows quite well even today.  Rap from back in the day has a way of sounding dated in today's music world.  Don't believe me?  Try listening to Houdini.

Anyways, everytime you heard this song back in the day you knew dancing was going to occur.  It just kind of hyped people up and made you want to dance.  I grew up Southern Baptist, and even they liked dancing to this song.  (Southern Baptists believed that "you don't find dancing feet on praying knees!"  There is also a great joke about why Baptists don't do something while standing up which I won't finish here, but the punch line is: "It could lead to dancing."  Drop me a line and I'll tell you the joke if you're actually interested.)  A strange mix of pimping himself "I'm Rob Base, the one who knows about THINGS", and odd disses (the diss on the Big Mac is legendary, for it is one of the first times you ever heard a word bleeped out on radio in the 1980s.)

The staying power of the song is something that no one expected.  Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock never really had another huge hit.  They still tour, but it's not like they are looked at as scions of Rap History.  They will never be mentioned in the same sentence as people like Big Daddy Kane, Public Enemy, Eric B and Rakim, EPMD, NWA or Boogie Down Productions.  (If you don't know who these people are, please go read the book, Can't Stop, Won't Stop: A History of the Hip Hop Generation by Jeff Chang.)  However, many of these rap heavyweights don't have an instantly recognizable song like Rob Base.  "No Half Steppin'" is good, but you don't hear that on the radio in South Africa.

My point being that sometimes something you hear one day is going to be trash the next.  (Again, listen to Houdini.)  But sometimes you hear a song that sounds just as fresh today as it did when it first came out.  "Summertime" by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince is like that, but it doesn't even come close to "It Takes Two."  Go listen to it, but make space in your room.  You'll probably feel the need to move around a bit while it's on.

2013: What do you have in store for us?

Well, we're at a new year, and it does leave me wondering about what is coming up for us all.  Obviously the Mayans were wrong, and the world didn't end.  I do think, however, that 2013 will be very busy for my little family, and possibly for yours as well.

I do know some things that WON'T happen in 2013.  Again, I will not finish typing my book.  Once again I will not be chosen by the selectors for the US Men's National Soccer Team.  My wife won't hear me say a witty quip and think that it is original and only from me and not a TV show or movie.  I won't sit and watch a soccer (football) match on television calmly, not yelling or pointing to the part of the screen where I think the pass should go.

However, we've got a bunch of interesting things coming up this year.  We have to go back to Washington for a week in the Spring, which will both be nice and extremely tortuous at the same time.  I turn 37 this year, so I can no longer call myself a "Young Adult" or say I'm in my Mid-Thirties.  My parents come to SA for a visit this antediluvian Autumn, which will be great.  LEL's parents are coming in Northern Hemisphere Autumn for a visit, and we go to England for Christmas 2013 to end the year.  Oh, and during the months from June - November I'll be looking for a new job because we'll have been here for 2 out of the 3 years I'm assigned here.

Now for the things I never do, but should.  My resolutions for 2013.

1) exercise at least twice a week.
2) Drink less soda.  (My wife wants no soda, but I'll compromise and reduce it.)
3) Spend time with the kids outside by myself.  (Need to let wife have a break on occasion.
4) Have dinner or movie with just the wife outside the house at least twice a month.
5) Remember that life is short and to tell my friends and family how much I love and appreciate them as often as I can.  (But not overkill.  You don't want to be THAT guy, now do you?)

Anyways, I hope you and yours have a great new years.  I also hope that everyone remembers that life is too short to hate and that we should look more for things we have in common than things we don't.